I know I haven't updated in a long time, but I haven't abandoned this livejournal just been really caught up studying for Midterms, getting back results, getting the most depressed I've been in a long while, and then picking up and start studying all over again.
It really is a vicious, vicious cycle. I was so turned off and repelled by lousy grades, constant failing even though I've studied hard and I've tried practising and whatever I could do.Yet it always seems to be insufficient; not good enough. I've done the crying, the grousing, the grumbling and the panicking so whats left its pure unadulterated fear.
I can't say that the incoming A levels and the prospect of doing well and going to Med school are my motivators anymore. Fear is really my motivation now. I can say that easily for my classmates as well, we've all not done well (except for maybe a few, literally one or two) and with our CTs and STs coming in to tell us there are really only a hundred more days till A Levels and barely 70 for prelims there is this deep sated fear that brews in us. The nervous energy that fills the class is really terrifying. It dawns upon us that we're still failing, still not scoring our B's or C's for school based exams and there is this fear that it will translate to the worst A level grades we could possibly imagine.
I get scared when I think of how I'll disappoint my parents who have such faith in me, they don't even expect good results, they just believe I'll do well with my hard work. I get scared when I think of how many doors that will be closed to me if I don't do well, how I'd never be able to realise a dream, and then I get even more scared thinking of the regret and the shame. Most of all I fear that twenty years down the road, I'd be some hassled mother of young children, who is stuck at a desk bound job she absolutely abhors, trying to climb an insanely aloof and distant ladder, and worst of all being just mediocre. Mediocre to society and maybe more painfully, mediocre to God. I don't want to be just that simple person who worries about her finances, her family; I want to be somebody that can change things, someone that God will use to change things. I want to be God's vessel, that God may use me well and in the end when I've run the course He chooses for me the best I could have done, He will tell me that I have been faithful and I have been well used.
I don't want to lose out and not do my absolute best. I want to give this my all, I want to work with every fibre of my being so that in the end if I still don't do as well as I wanted, I can safely and happily say that I am content, because I have tried very hard and tried my absolute best and thus I know this is what my God wanted for me, and then I will rest and trust in Him. I don't want to disappoint Him and short change myself, not growing to my ful potential, and not allowing God to use me well because of my laziness or lack of discipline.
So this is why I will continue to press on. This is why I will not mourn over my pathetic Us for my subjects. This is why I will study my weekends away and play as little as possible. This is why I will try my best.
Because if I don't try my best, I'd never get another shot at this.
We've just got to keep pressing on.
This is it.
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